Follow up to the last

Guess what, dude? I was right. You will never see me, get me, know me, blank me because you don't like me. It's not that one of us was dense. It was that I thought too much of this screwed-up I-don't-know-what-to-call-it-dash-ship I had with you and I thought I had a chance. Sorry. My bad.

Guess what, dude? You won't even get to read this. If you do, you won't even think it's you. Because you don't think too much. Not like me. Because you think normally and you are a guy and the bundle of nerve fibers that connect the left and right lobes of your brain are not as thick as mine. Maybe your skull has a chance though.

Guess what, dude? I don't know if I'm such a sick and confused piece of crap floating in this great cesspool, but some infinitesimal part of me wants a retraction of what I previously said. Because maybe I still like you after all, and I just want to make myself believe that I don't because it hurts less.

Guess what, dude? I AM sick. I'm devoting time, space, and brain cells for this stupid entry you won't even read. Nor understand. Guess what? I don't really care. Because I want to be selfish for once and not think about what you might or might not say. And I want to call you all sorts of names and you probably won't understand why I did. I am sick and angry. Angry at myself for being such a damn masochist chasing after you even though it's clear you will never cast your eye on me. Or any part of your body for that matter.

I'll stop. I'll stop now. I am tired, hungry, and sick of this. There is a coup going on and what am I doing? Hahahahaha.

Things I will probably never utter otherwise

Hey. I've been meaning to tell you this, but I'm such a big damn coward. My courage now probably comes from my hormones, but anyway...

I LIKED YOU.

Notice the past tense. I DID. I don't know if I still do, but I want to believe for now that I don't anymore. So that I can make myself believe I can tell you this now. So that I can still convince myself that I had a chance with you, but one of us was dense and I refuse to believe it was you. Or me. Just leave it at 'one of us'.

I don't know what to believe anymore. This game isn't working for me. I will always be hurting myself. I'm going to try to let go so I can still retain what little dignity I have left. I don't want to sound like I own you. I never did. I probably never will.

Truth is, I don't know you. I don't know why I liked you in the first place. And here I am, telling you something I'm not even sure you'll get.

Sorry. I'm in such a mess.

Bye. I don't know if that's the last.

More men...

What is it with me? I must be getting my period or something...

ITEM NUMBER ONE: Gackt
OK! Gackt news jumbo! One: Gackt formed a superband called S.K.I.N. with Miyavi, Yoshiki (former X-Japan) and Sugizo (Luna Sea). This was like, half a year ago. Dude, I am so backlogged! Two: Gackt stars in new NHK Taiga drama as Uesugi Kenshin (or Nagao Kagetora).

AHOY!

ITEM NUMBER TWO: Yu Shirota
I had a very nice dream about him the night of Nov. 1. Wow, talk about timing. Anyway, I was in a tennis court or something and then he approached me and we took pictures with my camera. Really impossible. When I woke up, I checked my camera, but the last picture there was the one we took at Carmela's house.

Shoot.